I don't believe myself anymore. When I say myself what possibly could I mean? Probably my thoughts, my experiences, my illusions or the things I had learnt in past. I don't know what is this utopian feeling. Yet, again an irony. I am unable to feel or is it that I had never felt this feeling before. I am starting to end my beliefs and faiths on almost every so called good things. My experiences are of no use. It is like I haven't lived till today. And today, its not my life. I do exist but with the radical implimentation of "EXISTING". Probably I need some faith restoration. But as far as I remember nothing much has happened in the past few weeks that could probably be associated with my detachment.
I am not sorry to convey but I am sorry to say this to all my friends. I know and my friends know that if I need help they will help me in future and also I know I would do the same for them. This might be a potential proclamation. But to shade myself I would use the phrase "being selfish". I will think about myself first and then I will try my best to help. But the main point which I am about to focus (and also I am precisely sorry for this) is that I don't feel or think that I will miss my friends. Objectively counting, I have been camouflaging myself with the accountability of me not missing my friends ever with the FACT that I have and I do try my best to keep in touch. May be I am a CON. But still I am your friend. Consider it as an emotional blackmail please, else you WOULD be biased. The second reason is that I generally miss the talks, the gossips, the events, the fights, the arguments, the appreciations, the opinions of my friends. If I narrow down to individuality then there isn't a single person whose presence I might or will miss. If some event happens in future which reminds me of a past event then only generally I think about the persons involved with that past event and that sometimes leads to nostalgia or the phrase "missing". Genuinely, I can't say, because, I don't know who I am missing or who I might be missing. I don't know for sure whether I miss the opinions and idiosyncrasies or the person inside him/her.
Such a radical change in me in weeks makes me believe (pretend) that its an illusion. Most probably, my sleeve emotions might not have a better decent outlet and hence I have become an escapist.
Whatever, the truth is that I will miss the nature, the place, the nonliving things more than any other humanbeing I have departed from. I might still play my communication card in future - may be to camouflage again or to find a way for my decent outlet for my sleeve emotions.
After all these years at a single place, less than a circle of 1 km radius, the only truth which is valuable to me is LOVE. Either I love or I don't. Its an inbuilt thing - I guess - independent of time, place and even the living/non-living things I love. I don't start to like somethings or someone. I don't stop loving somethings or someone. Its neither eternal nor emotional. Its the difference between me and others which makes them my friends and me either their friend or a tag-along. Using the phrase "tag-along" doesn't hurt me and neither it reflects my semi-psuedo-post-modern-literature incapabilities (as a hypocrite), because, I can be the cheapest guy anyone ever met - hell ! I am a cheap guy - but I can never be cheap for myself. Because I place myself above all.
I am probably the first narcissist who hates himself but loves his life.
I am not sorry to convey but I am sorry to say this to all my friends. I know and my friends know that if I need help they will help me in future and also I know I would do the same for them. This might be a potential proclamation. But to shade myself I would use the phrase "being selfish". I will think about myself first and then I will try my best to help. But the main point which I am about to focus (and also I am precisely sorry for this) is that I don't feel or think that I will miss my friends. Objectively counting, I have been camouflaging myself with the accountability of me not missing my friends ever with the FACT that I have and I do try my best to keep in touch. May be I am a CON. But still I am your friend. Consider it as an emotional blackmail please, else you WOULD be biased. The second reason is that I generally miss the talks, the gossips, the events, the fights, the arguments, the appreciations, the opinions of my friends. If I narrow down to individuality then there isn't a single person whose presence I might or will miss. If some event happens in future which reminds me of a past event then only generally I think about the persons involved with that past event and that sometimes leads to nostalgia or the phrase "missing". Genuinely, I can't say, because, I don't know who I am missing or who I might be missing. I don't know for sure whether I miss the opinions and idiosyncrasies or the person inside him/her.
Such a radical change in me in weeks makes me believe (pretend) that its an illusion. Most probably, my sleeve emotions might not have a better decent outlet and hence I have become an escapist.
Whatever, the truth is that I will miss the nature, the place, the nonliving things more than any other humanbeing I have departed from. I might still play my communication card in future - may be to camouflage again or to find a way for my decent outlet for my sleeve emotions.
After all these years at a single place, less than a circle of 1 km radius, the only truth which is valuable to me is LOVE. Either I love or I don't. Its an inbuilt thing - I guess - independent of time, place and even the living/non-living things I love. I don't start to like somethings or someone. I don't stop loving somethings or someone. Its neither eternal nor emotional. Its the difference between me and others which makes them my friends and me either their friend or a tag-along. Using the phrase "tag-along" doesn't hurt me and neither it reflects my semi-psuedo-post-modern-literature incapabilities (as a hypocrite), because, I can be the cheapest guy anyone ever met - hell ! I am a cheap guy - but I can never be cheap for myself. Because I place myself above all.
I am probably the first narcissist who hates himself but loves his life.
